Get Back, Kangarat; Better Get Back To The Net
Hey, folks! This is a holdover post to insist that, no, we have not wandered off into Blog Heaven and yes, we will be returning soon (possibly with some bionic limbs and new, mysteriously upgraded powers) with our first look at Morrison/Millar/Paul Ryan Flash! IT WILL HAPPEN!
In the meantime, here’s a few treats from the 2011 ZINGS AND BRILLIANT IDEAS FILE! Because YOU THINK WE’RE HILARIOUS! And because we hope that the Powers that Be will see some of our great story ideas and hire us on the spot. We’ve got a phone, Marvel. In fact, we’ve got two of them.
on the Fraction/Land “Quarantine” story in Uncanny X-Men:
Uzumeri: But it features the long-awaited return of Sublime! And by “long-awaited,” I mean “not at all awaited.” And “hugely disappointing.”
Godel: Not to mention, didn’t we just do this quarantine thing in the vampire story? Lots of scenes in Sick Bay, trying to come up with a vaccine…zzzzzz.
Uzumeri: It has all of the ingredients of Morrison’s X-Men, but cooked by dunces.
Godel: The only way it could have been duller is it actually featured the return of Sublime, the alterna-ska band. Whose uptempo workouts concerning date rape and Santeria would have driven the X-Men to madness.
Godel: Bad jokes…they’re what I’ve got.
on the Daredevil Reborn miniseries by Andy Diggle, Antony Johnston, and Davide Giandfelice:
Uzumeri: I mean, it was magnitudes better than Shadowland, at least.
Godel: I would basically agree with that – I mean, it was a pretty stupid comic but at least it was brightly lit and seemed to be about people (sometimes) recognizable as human beings with comprehensible reasons for doing things.
Uzumeri: And… cops are killin’ other cops!!!
Godel: AHM FRUM A SMAWL TOWN
Uzumeri: …Okay, yeah, it kinda sucked.
Godel: WE DAWN LAHK YERR CITYFIED TROUBLEMAKIN!
Uzumeri: But surely a Dukes of Hazzard episode is better than American Ninja.
Godel: If this ends with Daredevil driving a car off a ramp over a gully then it’s basically worth it, yeah.
Uzumeri: Dear British People: We’ll Stop Trying To Write Authentic Cockneys If You Stop Trying To Write Authentic American Small Towns
Godel: WHERR YEW GOIN CITY BOY
Uzumeri: If they don’t tap Jason Aaron for Daredevil, they’re insane.
Godel: They would definitely be….Jason errin’.
On Disney adaptations:
Godel: I remember the big fanfare that The Lion King was the first time they used an ORIGINAL STORY, and of course then years later I read all this anime nerd stuff about Kimba The White Lion.
Uzumeri: Dude, I thought Jungle Book was actually an adaptation of old Indian folktales. I had no idea it was written by an imperalist white dude. And Kimba… it’s not even like they ripped off someone obscure! They ripped off Osamu Tezuka! The show had been syndicated in the States!
Godel: Coming soon from Walt Disney, the highly original tales of COSMO BOY and SPEEDY RACECAR!
Uzumeri: Studio Ghibli presents… RONALD RODENT!
Godel: Yeah, that would last for about five seconds after which Studio Ghibli would no longer exist.
Uzumeri: Actually, Naoki Urasawa is writing a big Disney shit-take right now…it involves world war 2, the secret history of the world, a struggling manga artist, a medieval ninja and Lee Harvey Oswald. Who is presented, Urasawa style, ridiculously sympathetically.
Godel: That sounds great! I hope Oswald is rendered, Maus-like, as old-school Disney character Oswald the Lucky Rabbit.
Uzumeri: Who frolics on the grrraaaasssssy knnoooolllllllll. (pause) Wait. Okay. Has this ever been done? Because I am about to BLOW YOUR MIND.
Godel: Bring it.
Uzumeri: DEGRASSI KNOLL
Godel: Put one of your artist friends on that, STAT.
On the new Star Trek continuity:
Uzumeri: But, I mean, I think I’m hardly alone when I say that I can’t wait to see how the Khan shit goes down in this new continuity.
Godel: See, that’s maybe where I get off the bus. Like, there is no reason whatsoever to do Khan again, except that he’s the most famous villain. So it’ll probably happen. But Wrath of Khan is one of the five or six best space movies ever. It’s like, I can’t wait to see how they do Rosebud in this new Citizen Kane! However good it is, it can ONLY be judged in terms of comparison to the original, and it’ll fail.
Uzumeri: …that’s a really good point.
Godel: Whereas the reboot globally, yeah, on some level, I’m thinking “this is an okay version of Spock,” but if you let them have their own, new, original adventures facing new situations that nobody faced before, it’ll have an integrity of its own, I think.
Uzumeri: I mean, I guess I’m thinking about it almost like a comic franchise, you know? Gotta bring in all the big villains! Who the fuck am I, Jeph Loeb?
Godel: Hahah, well, the real problem is just that Trek, being a SHOW ABOUT IDEAS or whatever, has sort of choked on actually producing memorable characters, particularly memorable villains. I mean – quick, gun to your head, name five great Trek villains. Hell. Name five Trek villains, period.
Uzumeri: Khan, the Borg …. that dumb kid Picard had … Malcolm McDowell … does Wesley Crusher count?
Godel: Yes, but the Borg are out, they’re a whole race.
Uzumeri: Oh! Spock’s dumb brother.
Godel: Spock had a brother? Are you thinking of Data?
Uzumeri: In that awful, awful movie where they met God.
Godel: Star Trek V! It turned out not to be God, but…wait, that hairy guy that took them there? He was Spock’s brother?
Uzumeri: Yes. Half-brother, apparently.
Godel: That would actually be a good test to set the new franchise: can they make The Final Frontier not suck so bad? I think I’m hardly alone when I say that I can’t wait to see how the Sybok shit goes down in this new continuity.
on the firestorm surrounding the ComicsAlliance coverage of Sharif:
Uzumeri: Oh hey, I pissed off a racist btw
Godel: Wow, that sounds really hard to do how’d that happen
Uzumeri: Check it.
Godel: a CANADIAN contributor to their LEFTIST slanted site
Uzumeri: I am so proud.
Godel: Wait…why are they talking about Omar Sharif?
Uzumeri: Because the dude’s name is Sharif, and that is his only frame of reference apparently.
Godel: They should have titled the post… “SHARIF: DON’T LIKE IT”
Godel: Alternately, that should be Sharif’s catchphrase, like “It’s clobberin’ time” or whatever. It would make a great t-shirt, in the vein of “FRANKIE SAYS RELAX.” “SHARIF DON’T LIKE IT.”
Uzumeri: I’ll get to work on that.
Godel: Also, “comics alliance sucks islamic dick” would be a pretty good slogan for the site, maybe check in with Laura on that one first though.
Can you imagine Kirby in your funk? Ho!
Uzumeri: Check this out, 3,100 words of FF notes, including Chris Eckert’s tangent on discovering the original members of AIM were named George Clinton, Bernard Worrell and William Collins.
Godel: ahahahahaha wow, really? That’s great!
Uzumeri: All black dudes, of course!
Godel: Did they have a sinister plot to infiltrate the British PARLIAMENT?
Uzumeri: Yeah, at first he was like, “Oh, George Clinton, that’s a fun coincidence,” but then he got to worrell and collins and was like “OK, this is awesome.”
Godel: It’s really tragic that there wasn’t actually a licensed Parliament-Funkadelic comic. The ones inserted in the album jackets are awesome, and, I mean, do you listen to P-Funk? There’s tons of narrative there waiting to be mined, with recurring characters…really a whole little mythology that owes a little bit to comic books really. The Bop Gun versus the Ultimate Nullifier. Star Child versus the Silver Surfer. Sir Nose D’Voiddoffunk versus Darkseid.
Uzumeri: Somewhere out there is a George Clinton/Jack Kirby collaboration that had to be hidden beneath 40 feet of solid concrete to prevent it from BLOWING THE WORLD’S MIND.
Long walk to get to this one:
Uzumeri: So today I got like 50 pages into Jimmy Corrigan
Godel: Oh, you’ve never read Jimmy Corrigan? Actually… I can’t remember if I actually have either. I think I did. Basically any four given pages of Chris Ware sort of stands in for all the rest in my head.
Uzumeri: Yeah it’s just kind of in the Shit I Need To Read to Feel Like A Remotely In-the-Know Critic list.
Godel: I remember enjoying the Acme Novelty Library, whichever copies we used to have lying around, w-a-y more, although since Jimmy Corrigan got the press it probably makes sense to just be on top of that.
Uzumeri: I mean, Corrigan was originally serialized in Acme
Godel: Huh, you know, I don’t think I actually realized that, to be honest, I just read it as some weird arty GN that had shown up at Chapter 11 Books. I mean, this is ten years ago.
Uzumeri: Yeah, he puts out ACME every year.
Godel: ACME #15 is the one that was floating around my house, we had a ball with it, especially “Rocket Sam.” It was fun.
Uzumeri: Yeah, I can’t believe that Ware would ever write something “fun” at this point.
Godel:: I think Ware is one of these guys where, there’s this unfortunate problem where, to be a formalist (at the levels of the form where he operates), you still do have to have content, and I just think his content is a little bit played out. Or has he switched up the anomie at all? I mean, I would love to see Chris Ware doing what he can do with a page, but with something other than little stories of pain and suffering and pitiful doughy people and so on.
Uzumeri: Yeah, that’s basically exactly it, it reaches a point where it’s like the same song repeatedly rerecorded with more expansive and innovative arrangements and production. If it weren’t for his formal genius he’d be the Nickelback of comics
Godel: So that’s a shame, but I guess it’s sort of the way these things always work, maybe? Or at least often? Like it’s your obsessive formalists that are really going to develop an astonishing kit of techniques, which other people can then pick up and use to do other kinds of things.
Uzumeri: This is one of the few areas superhero comics have up on indie/auteur-based shit, since the collaborative factor really reduces that for an artist. Like, JH Williams III is always stopped from sticking his head TOO far up his ass by a script
Godel: Although I would love to find somebody that was like “Jimmy Corrigan was cool, but I really wish it had been drawn by Stuart Immonen.”
Uzumeri: The scary thing is, Immonen IS a crazy formalist. You wouldn’t know from New Avengers but he’s insane.
Godel: Huh, wow, where would I have seen this other work?
Uzumeri: Well, like, Nextwave … #11, I think ? … has him doing riffs on other styles and it’s in.sane. He does a PITCH PERFECT Mike Mignola.
Godel: I really should read Nextwave at some point.
Uzumeri: Or look at this, or this – maybe “chameleon” is a better word than “formalist,” but my point is that Immonen is INSANELY talented.
Godel: “Chameleon” works. “A penciller’s penciller” would be good fluff for an article.
Uzumeri: Oh man, his site’s down. WTF happened here? http://immonen.ca/
Godel: Perhaps someone seized his site using the governmental provision of… wait for it…
Uzumeri: Oh God, this can’t be good.
Godel: IMMONEN’S DOMAIN
Who’s got the book?!
Godel: Oh, I did read Fear Itself: Book of the Skull.
Uzumeri: How many times did you fall asleep?
Godel: None, but only because the whole time, in my head, I was singing ABC’s “Look of Love” as “Book of Skull.”
Reviewing the blog’s stats for search terms returned:
Godel: So, we have one hit for “which is more influential? sandman or animal man?”
Uzumeri: I love the idea that Google could answer that.
Uzumeri: As opposed to like, just “sandman animal man comparison” or something.
Godel: I just picture Google going “I SEE. TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR QUESTION OF ANIMAL MAN OR SANDMAN?” in a Dr. Sbaitso voice.
Godel: “Well, I was just thinking, I mean Sandman is way more famous, but Grant Morrison is way more popular now, right?” “HOW LONG HAVE HUGH BEEN WARRIED ABOUT BEING MORE POPPULAR THAN GRANTMORRISON?”
We don’t stan for Stan:
Godel: I love this blurb for Supergods: “Grant Morrison is one of the great comics writers of all time. I wish I didn’t have to compete with someone as good as him.” —Stan Lee
Uzumeri: ahahahaha yeah
Godel: Keep dreaming, Stan!
Uzumeri: “Comics writer,” aka “dude who puts dialogue over jack kirby and steve ditko comics”
Godel: “Shit, I’ve only got four bucks left, should I buy the new Batman Inc or….wait, Stan Lee is collaborating with The Rock on Melvin Muggles, Super-Acrobat?!” I’m sold!
And, just for fun, one from the deep archives of 2007. If only this is how Secret Invasion had played out:
Uzumeri: So what did you think of Whedon on Runaways? It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting…actually, it had some pretty great moments.
Godel: Yeah, it feels like a pretty seamless pickup of the title. He maybe overplays the drama a LITTLE too much, on the people doubting Nico etc., but I liked the general thrust of it, the conversation with Kingpin went exactly right. Where is this in continuity though? Kingpin left the country, guys.
Uzumeri: Quesada was just grilled on the continuity thing. Kingpin is just cleaning up some old interests before leaving the country. Anyway, Whedon’s only on for an arc, so who knows where this is going. Could be JMS examining the spiritual totem of the “run-away,” or Mark Millar having them save the universe from Skrulls or something.
Godel: Given that even Vaughan had goddamn Skrulls in there anything is possible. And the sooner they kill off that Skrull character the better. Maybe ze can like join the Kingpin or something.
Uzumeri: Hahahaha, Skrulls and the Kingpin.
Godel: Those alien bastards are gonna pay for shooting up my comic book.
Uzumeri: Man, Kingpin stuck in Skrull custody and basically chessboarding everybody out of his way is a pretty awesome story idea.
Godel: Dude. He could become the Kingpin….of Space.
Uzumeri: This could actually fucking rock.
Godel: Planet Fisk.
Uzumeri: PLANET FISK. Oh my God.
Godel: Daredevil would be wracked with guilt at having driven the Kingpin out of Hell’s Kitchen, only to seem him enslave the galaxy. It writes itself. He pits the Skrull factions against each other, plays them off the Kree (that won’t be hard), takes advantage of the chaos in the Shi’ar Empire….it’s the Godfather of space comics.
Uzumeri: He’d just spend his first two weeks in custody reading all of the spacefaring races’ religious texts and using them to pit their belief systems against each other.
Godel: Totally. And by the time he’s ready to make his move, the Skrullthorities have no idea what’s happening. He’s got the whole prison population under his wing, including the dastardly Skrull criminal, Bullskrull.
Uzumeri: Bullskrull? That’s the best you can do?
Godel: I’m sorry, clearly I meant to say “Skrullseye.”
Uzumeri: Nah, man, Skrulls are shapeshifters, he’d have to have some power that’s specifically damaging to other Skrulls. Accuracy doesn’t matter, they can just move their hearts out of the way.
Godel: They really need to just put us in charge for six months. Like Heroes Reborn. The only problem with pitching this story is it seems to have little room for Jessica Jones OR Jessica Drew. There’s no way it’ll get greenlighted.
Uzumeri: Well, you’ve got the Kree in there, that’ll hit the “dated, lame 70s Marvel thing” demographic.
Godel: I also insist that we have Milla Donovan turn out to be a Skrull, carrying Daredevil’s baby.
Uzumeri: Also, the whole thing will be started by the last thing Daredevil makes Fisk promise – that he will do harm to “no man.”
Uzumeri: Which will totally tear DD apart, because he’s going to totally get caught with his pants down when he’s hanging out at Strange’s place and they get this TV spacecast of Fisk giving a press conference on the Kree homeworld or something. And he’s like, “I’m a LAWYER! HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS?!”
Godel: So he failed both as a hero, and as a hair-splitting master of semantics! Now that’s angst you can take to the bank.
Uzumeri: Planet Fisk, ladies and gentlemen. The next great summer event.